I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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