my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
