im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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