I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You took a bar mat shot.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
