his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
