Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
