i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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