Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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