Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
