She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
