Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I cut my penus on the lid.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
