I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it hurts more in the daytime
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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