end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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