I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
