Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
