i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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