this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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