What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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