I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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