You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
