I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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