and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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