You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
