She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
