He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
