You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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