While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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