maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
