he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
