I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
