After last night, I could never be a politician.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
