Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I AM VODKA MAN
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
