maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
