So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
