this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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