i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
