Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
