did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
True strength comes from lack of pants
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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