Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
