Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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