the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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