I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
His hands were made for my vagina.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
