dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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