I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
