I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
