90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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