Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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