the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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