life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
