Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
